Came the dawn

VIEW: Came the dawn —Kamran Shafi

WAPDA decides that it will carry out Annual Maintenance one day, and it is jolly well carried out the next. Never mind that people are inconvenienced; never mind that a patient dependant on electricity for his very survival lies fighting for every breath, never mind that a very junior official can be so rude with a consumer

So then, it has finally dawned upon the Big General that he is being ill-served by the people he himself has ordained into their offices; those who serve at his personal will and only because he is what he is; those who wouldn’t stand a chance in hell of being ‘elected’ to their mighty offices were it not for the State flexing its muscle through its various agencies, and at his express orders. Those, indeed, who know full well that after this one outing on the carousel of power they will not be heard from nor seen in the country, taking the first plane out to their real homes and hearths.

According to a report in this same newspaper: “President Pervez Musharraf has voiced growing frustration at his government’s ‘lethargic functioning’ and poor implementation of development projects. ‘I go to people and announce projects but the next time I visit these areas and ask the people about the projects, I find that there is nothing on the ground,’ sources quoted him as saying at a meeting attended by Prime Minister Shaukat Aziz, several ministers and the State Bank of Pakistan governor.”

“Sources said the president took notice of delay in the Iran-Pakistan-India gas pipeline project. ‘How many delegations will visit abroad for talks to finalise this project?’ the president was quoted as asking the participants. The president also expressed concern over the government’s inability to control inflation.”

Well, to non-compliance with his specific orders first, and may I suggest to the Big General that the “projects” he speaks about (which he knows have not been carried out) are only the tip of the iceberg. Surely he has not visited all the communities and places and people where he might have issued orders; surely what he has been told is a fraction of what has actually not been done. I will make him a wager of a hundred rupees: If he delves only a little deeper, the Big General will find that only those of his orders that concerned people who have access to him have been implemented; that he should consider himself fortunate if 10 percent of his directives, orders, and instructions have actually been followed.

There is a revealing little anecdote that Kaleem Omar, yes the well-known writer, tells about Zulfikar Ali Bhutto. It so happened that three years into his presidency/prime ministership, that consummate politician and workaholic who used to read voluminous files from cover to cover and hand-write the most succinct and beautifully crafted notes within minutes, ordered a short exercise. He just wanted to know how many of his directives the officials of the Government of Pakistan had carried out. One can only imagine his chagrin when it was put up to him that (if memory serves) 55 percent of the directives were nowhere to be seen; 25 percent were in the process of completion and only 20 percent had been completed/carried out.

This is Zulfikar Ali Bhutto we are talking about, sirs, not some Tom, Dick, or Harry. Remember that this man we speak about was so particular about what he wrote on official files that one that he was working on while travelling by train had the following remark at the end of his note: “My handwriting is shaky because I am travelling by the Khyber Mail — we have just crossed Jhelum”! Sirs, you are to kindly note that if the orders of this immaculate man were followed the way they were, what of those given by others?

The question one must ask, indeed one that the Big General must ask himself, is why it has taken this long for the realisation to hit home that all is certainly not well (nor has been for a long time) with the way the Government of the Islamic Republic conducts itself. For, the national press has long been full of stories about how wrong things are going; how, instead of “good governance” things were only going from bad to worse; how, indeed, the Big General was getting a bad name for the shenanigans of his own appointees. One can only come to one conclusion.

If only General Musharraf took a little time out every day to just glance through the papers to see for himself what they were saying instead of only depending on what was ‘put up’ to him by the Ministry of Disinformation; if only he wasn’t so black and white about perceived friends and perceived enemies (calling people who do not agree with him ‘unbalanced’, even ‘traitors’, for example), he would have found that lots of people have been crying themselves hoarse about precisely the things that agitate him today.

It is never too late, however, to change tack; never too late to kick the right bottom with the right amount of force and never too late to get rid of those who will not pull their weight. Provided of course that cognisance is taken of the offences of commission and omission, fairly and judiciously. The pity of the whole thing, however, is that through the many years that the Big General has had his way in the Land of the Pure, the thing called “justice in governance” has been chucked out the window and “pragmatism” rules.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, my electricity was switched off just as I was putting the finishing touches to my article some days ago. I called the SDO, WAPDA, Hasanabdal, on his mobile to ask when we could expect it to be switched on again. The conversation went something like this:

Self: “Assalam-o-Alaikum, aap SDO Sahib bol rahe hein?”

SDO Bahadur: “Bol raha hoon”.

Self: “Ji, mein Wah gaon se Major Kamran Shafi bol raha hoon — bijli ko kya hua hai — kab aaye gee”.

SDOB: “Annual maintenance jab khatam ho gi”.Self: “ANNUAL MAINTENANCE”? Aap ne annual maintenance kaheen announce ki thi?”SDOB: “Kal FM 97 (the local Hasanabdal station) pe ki thi.”

Self: “Kal? Annual Maintenance ka to ziada notice hona chahie; aap ne kissi akhbar mein announce ki thi?”SDOB: “Nahein, saray log FM suntay hein.” (I don’t, by the way.)

Self, in English: “SDO Sahib, I want to write about this in the press; please reconfirm that this was ANNUAL MAINTENANCE for which you gave just one day’s notice and that too on just one media outlet which many people may not have access to.”

SDOB: “I am not your servant that I should repeat what I said — you can write what you want”, saying which the Little Sahib switched off his telephone.

So there you have it, sirs, good governance everywhere. WAPDA decides that it will carry out Annual Maintenance one day, and it is jolly well carried out the next. Never mind that people are inconvenienced; never mind that a patient dependant on electricity for his very survival lies fighting for every breath, never mind that a very junior official can be so rude with a consumer — a consumer who pays through his nose for most pathetic service, mind. Sab Acchha Hai, Sahib.

Bushism of the Week: “The only thing I know about Slovakia is what I learned firsthand from your foreign minister, who came to Texas” — President George W Bush talking to a Slovak journalist, June 22, 1999. Bush’s meeting was with Janez Drnovsek, the prime minister of Slovenia.

PS: WAPDA can rest easy — just as the Motorway Police did not respond to my complaint about them, I do not expect WAPDA to, either. After all, they rule; we are the ruled.

A 'scheduling problem'

VIEW: A ‘scheduling problem’ —Kamran Shafi

Why did the FO keep up pretences for two whole weeks and more? Would it have continued to lie had the US ambassador himself not come forth? Why did Chief Spokesman Sheikh Rashid reinforce the lie 10 days after the FO first told it? More important than everything else, why does the government of the Islamic Republic take us lay Pakistanis for so many fools?

At the time that the Damadola Outrage — for what else was it — happened, and the military government and its minions were going about pretending as if they were in an almighty fury, it was announced by a “senior official” (no prizes for guessing the ministry) that the American ambassador “is being summoned to the Foreign Office” so that Pakistan could lodge a protest with him. On the very day that this news appeared in the press, I made a wager with some friends who were visiting me that no way was the valiant FO of the very valiant government of the Citadel of Islam going to summon the American ambassador. No way.

Even the deputy ambassador would not be “summoned”, I said: at most, a very polite telephone call would be made to a first secretary at the US Embassy who would be told in the most obsequious manner that the almost weekly American incursions into Pakistan were getting very embarrassing for the Big General who had done so much to align himself with America that his very life was in constant danger. “Please, Sirji, understand our predicament”. “Pretty please, Sirji”. And there the matter would rest.

The very next day, i.e., on January 15, this is what the national press said, quoting Hotel Scheherezade: “Pakistan on Saturday lodged a strong protest with the United States over the unwarranted killings of innocent civilians in the Bajaur Agency, the Foreign Office announced. The US envoy was summoned to the Foreign Office to protest the killings of 18 people in an air strike apparently targeting the deputy leader of Al Qaeda, Ayman al Zawahiri, the Foreign Office said. Foreign Secretary Riaz Khan handed over a formal protest to the US ambassador at the Foreign Ministry this evening, Foreign Office spokeswoman (sic) said. It is the second protest lodged by Pakistan with its key ‘war on terror’ ally the United States for alleged incursion (alleged? Could it be Martians in flying saucers that did in those 18?) into its tribal region bordering Afghanistan this month.”

On that same day, another newspaper’s take on the matter was: “Pakistan on Saturday summoned US ambassador Ryan C Crocker to Foreign Office (sic) here and lodged a strong protest with the United States against an air strike on its border village in Bajaur Agency that killed at least 18 people, including women and children. Foreign Secretary Riaz Muhammad Khan handed over a formal protest to the US ambassador this evening, said Foreign Office Spokesperson Tasnim Aslam.”

Bloody hell, how wrong could I have been, I said to myself? There goes my punditry (something an erstwhile friend accuses me of having “acquired” lately), etcetera and so on. To add to my discomfort at being proved so wrong, the chief spokesman of the government, Sheikh Rashid ‘Tulli’, was quoted as saying on January 24, “The US ambassador was summoned to the Foreign Office and a stinging protest was launched against the air strike. He was told that such incidents will not be tolerated in the future.”

By golly, who in the world will have any faith in me now, after the complete and utter failure of my punditry? Not only did the FO summon HE, and “launch” a “stinging” protest at him, it even told him “such incidents will not be tolerated in the future”! You can imagine my predicament, reader: there I was, downcast with very low self-esteem, depressed at how wrong I could be even in matters concerning a ministry whose shenanigans I thought I knew inside out. Leave alone everything else, what would Charlie and his aunt say?

Mercifully, my misery did not last too long, for on January 27, exactly 13 days after the FO first lied about it, I read in the press that the American ambassador himself announced that of course he had not been “summoned” anywhere at all!! I can’t tell you how relieved I was at this reprieve from complete ignominy: I mean, there is nothing worse than a failed pundit, is there? Specially when he is ‘punditing’ about something that is so very predictable?

This is the exact wording of the report: “Contrary to earlier reports that US Ambassador Ryan C Crocker was summoned by the Foreign Office on January 14, a day after the US aerial strike in Bajaur Agency, it has now been established that he was not. This has been confirmed by the US ambassador himself and officials at the foreign ministry. It was not at the Foreign Office but at the PM House that Foreign Secretary Riaz Mohammad Khan raised the matter (kindly note the delicate choice of words — slightly different from a “stinging protest”, what?) with the US ambassador.

"The ambassador had accompanied former US presidential candidate Senator John Kerry when the latter called on Prime Minister Shaukat Aziz. So it was on the margins of this meeting that the foreign secretary met the ambassador and lodged what has been officially branded as a “protest”. Foreign ministry officials say that Ambassador Crocker was supposed to be summoned to the Foreign Office the same evening but this did not happen due to a scheduling problem.”

So that’s what they call it these days? A “scheduling problem”? “Scheduling problem” is how lack of spleen is explained away? Being lily-livered is having a “scheduling problem”? Having no backbone or self-respect or shame can be blamed on there being a “scheduling problem”? What effrontery; what brass; what complete shamelessness.

But, pray, wait. By far the bigger crime than serving the country ill is lying to its people about it, is it not? There are several questions that need to be answered urgently: Why did the FO keep up pretences for two whole weeks and more? Would it have continued to lie had the US ambassador himself not come forth? Why did Chief Spokesman Sheikh Rashid reinforce the lie 10 days after the FO first told it? More important than everything else, why does the government of the Islamic Republic take us lay Pakistanis for so many fools?

For we do know that Sovereignty, or whatever you call the bird that has been hunted to extinction in Pakistan, is only for countries which are not client states of other countries, and whose leaders have some little faith in themselves.

As a special treat, three Bushisms this week: “Our priorities is our faith”; “I admit it, I am not one of the great linguists”; “Let me put it to you this way, I am not a revengeful person” — President George W Bush — Greensboro, North Carolina, October 10, 2000; To Tom Brokaw, Inside the Real West Wing, January 23, 2001; TIME magazine, December 25, 2000.

Serves 'em right

Thursday, January 26, 2006

VIEW: Serves ‘em right —Kamran Shafi

There was the formidable Pirzada, the great friend and confidant of dictators and autocrats and scourge of many a judge, removing his hat, putting it on again, removing it again and emptying out his pockets, all on order; there was the bane of elected political leaders Senator Azeem, awaiting his turn; there was the foreign secretary, arms akimbo, shuffling this way and that and looking lost and bewildered. Boy, oh boy, what fun!

According to himself, there are two reasons why the Big General is holding on to his uniform: one, that this reduces the clear and present danger of the Pakistan Army not obeying the orders of a civilian president; and two, because ‘unity of command’ is the need of the hour.

While I, commissioned into this same army only a year and a bit after the Big General, am taken aback at this line of reasoning, the oath of allegiance to the Constitution being clear enough and the discipline of the line army (I did not say ambitious generals) an example to behold, let us go along with his wisdom and see how ‘unity of command’ can be made more effective.

Right then, if the Big General is right that it would be difficult to get the army to obey any orders he gave as a civilian president, as many government jobs as possible should immediately be farmed out to the army — I mean, it is right and proper that uniformed officers take over civil government jobs so that the danger subsides even further. If it means the wholesale sacking of civil servants, so be it, for what we want most of all in this new Pakistan (which always comes First, mark) is dedication and hard work and efficiency. After all, what in God’s name does a civil servant with 30 years service know about the health department that an army medical corps major doesn’t? You may apply this argument to almost any ministry/department, gentle reader, and you will see that I am absolutely right.

I mean, what would a Housing and Works bureaucrat, an architect/engineer he may well be, know about setting up housing colonies compared to an army officer, considering that the army runs the best housing colonies in the country (again according to the Big General himself)? Who can run a business — any business — better than the army, considering the runaway successes the conglomerates known as the Fauji Foundation and Army Welfare Trust have proved to be? Who, indeed, can run better and more profitable bakeries and tikka joints and fast food shops — you name it — than the army? Even shadi-ghars, housed in what once were Officers’ Messes, the home away from home of young officers where they learnt the ways of officers and gentlemen?

But I digress; I get carried away in extolling my former organisation’s many faceted capabilities. The point I was making for those that doubt it’s prowess is that if it can do all of the above, running a silly little government department should be easy peasy. Now then, once the mass sackings of the mostly inefficient and good for nothing bureaucrats and other civil servants have taken place, major generals take over as secretaries to the federal government and brigadiers as secretaries to the provincial governments; brigadiers move into additional/senior joint secretary slots in Islamabad the Beautiful and colonels in the provinces, and so on: captains end up as section officers in Islamabad the Beautiful and lieutenants in the provinces.JCOs and ORs can replace office superintendents and clerks and other staff such as peons, DRs, drivers, chowkidars, malis and so on.

Of course, it goes without saying that organisations such as the National Highway Authority the top brass of which are mainly army officers these days, also sack all their civilian employees and take on officers and men of the Engineers instead; the PTCL whose privatisation is off one day and on another, should likewise get rid of all the “bloody civilians” and employ officers and men of the Corps of Signals. Just use your imagination reader: the army has a replacement for every job, so don’t you think too highly of yourself if you are only a “bloody civilian”!

So, there you have it: unity of command at all levels. And no possible danger of somebody — anybody — not obeying orders. Incidentally, the Navy and Air Force can fill in the positions not already taken over by the army in our ports and airports: stevedores, mechanics, crane-operators, janitors, cleaners, drivers, baggage handlers, and so on. Why, the Navy can even take charge of keeping the brand-new Rs 225 million KPT fountain in good fettle!

On to other matters now, and may I say to those who are incensed at the American’s ingression into Pakistan in the Bajaur area and the killing of innocent women and children that there is little point in getting ourselves into a great big lather: for while the American government has studiously avoided even saying sorry, it has added insult to injury by humiliating Private Banker Shaukat Aziz’s entourage at JFK airport by body searching the eminences, all official guests, and how! Telling us Paks in very clear terms where exactly we stand in their esteem.

However, while the injury of the bombing hurt every feeling Pakistani, the insult at New York is only of the Private Banker and this jellyfish we call the Government of the Land of the Pure. You and I have nothing to do with it.

For, only last week, writing about the week-kneed response of the government to the Damadola outrage I had said, “... we will have conveyed to the American Establishment that Pakistan is as ready as heretofore for even more slights; even more kicks ...”.

So let me say with all the force at my command that I refuse to be sullied by the shame that was heaped on these people: I absolutely refuse, for many times have I requested the Big General to please, please ensure that his appointees act with some little honour, some little propriety so that the rest of us poor (and hapless) Pakistanis are not disgraced because of what they do.

Let me ask a simple question here: what would have happened if (perish the thought) Sharifuddin Pirzada, the most senior of Shaukat Aziz’s advisers; or (perish the thought) the foreign secretary, the most senior bureaucrat on the delegation, had refused to be searched on the grounds that they were members of an official delegation headed by none other than the ‘prime minister’ of an allied country; that they were guests of the US government and were travelling by an official Pakistani aircraft — one that had weapons of the ‘prime minister’s’ security detail on board anyway? What would have happened, please? Would they have been ‘rendered’ to Romania, on way to Guantanamo?

Indeed, why didn’t the Pakistan embassy pre-empt the disgrace by asking the Americans to waive the body search for members of the official delegation, invited to the United States by the US government itself? It should jolly well have known what the ‘normal’ procedures are, for other Pakistani eminences on ‘official’ trips have been mistreated before.

Having said which, let me say that my joy at seeing the unbounded pomposity of our eminences drain out of them in no time flat at the hands of the $5.50-an-hour TSA agents was boundless! There was the formidable Pirzada, the great friend and confidant of dictators and autocrats and scourge of many a judge, and possibly the first and only law minister, attorney general, and practising lawyer all rolled into one removing his hat, putting it on again, removing it again and emptying out his pockets, all on order; there was the bane of elected political leaders Senator Azeem, awaiting his turn; there was the foreign secretary, arms akimbo, shuffling this way and that and looking lost and bewildered. Boy, oh boy, what fun!
Well, serve ‘em right for grovelling so hard before the Americans.

May I end by saying that one couldn’t believe one’s ears when the Big General did not even mention, even in passing, the American government’s bombing of Damadola in Bajaur in his most recent speech to the nation. Shiekh Rashid ‘Tulli’ is obviously right when he says that the speech the General read out had been written months ago: even before the earthquake of October 8!

Bushism of the Week: “Laura and I are proud to call John and Michelle Engler our friends, I know you’re proud to call him governor. What a good man the Englers are” — President George W Bush; Grand Rapids, Michigan; November 3, 2000.

Unity of command - II

Unity of command – II
By
Kamran Shafi

So then, last week we saw how we could, in one fell swoop, have complete ‘Unity of Command’ in the Fatherland, something that so engages the Big General these days. Whilst we had sorted out governance at the Federal Cabinet and District Nazimate levels, the two most important stages in “good governance” as determined by that great civic engineer Lieutenant General Tanvir Naqvi, we had left out the Federal and Provincial Secretariats. Lets sort those out this week.

Right then, the aim is to farm out all the government jobs to the Army – the poor old Navy and Air force can jolly well lump it: climb a tree; jump in the lake, whatever takes their fancy - so that there is ‘Unity of Command’ at all levels and no danger whatever of orders not being followed because of lack of Unity of Command. I mean, if the Big General is right that it would be difficult to get the Army to obey any orders he gave as a civilian President, it is right and proper that uniformed officers take over all civilian government jobs so that the danger subsides even further.

If it means the wholesale sacking of civil servants, so be it, for what we want most of all in this New Pakistan (which always comes First, mark) is dedication and hard work and efficiency. After all, what in God’s name does a civil servant, albeit with 30 years service, know about the health department that an Army Medical Corps officer doesn’t? You may apply this argument to almost any ministry/department, gentle reader, and you will see that I am absolutely right.

I mean, what would a Housing and Works bureaucrat, an engineer he may well be, know about setting up housing colonies compared to an army officer, considering that the Army runs the best housing colonies in the country? Who can run a business better, any business, than the Army, considering the runaway successes the conglomerates known as the Fauji Foundation and Army Welfare Trust have proved to be? Who, indeed, can run better and more profitable bakeries and tikka joints and fast food shops, you name it, than the Army? Even shadi-ghars, albeit in what once were Officers Messes, the home away from home of young officers where they learnt how to become officers and gentlemen?

But I digress; I get carried away in extolling my former organisation’s many faceted capabilities. The point I was making for those that doubt it’s prowess is that if it can do all of the above, running a silly little government department should be easy peasy.

Now then, getting back to the Secretariats at the federal and provincial levels, once the mass sackings of the mostly inefficient and good for nothing bureaucrats and other civil servants have taken place, Major Generals take over as Secretaries to the Federal Government Departments, Brigadiers in the Provincial Governments; Brigadiers move into Additional/Senior Joint Secretary slots in Islamabad the Beautiful and Colonels in the Provinces; Colonels into Joint Secretary offices in the Federation and Lieutenant Colonels in the Provincial set-up, and so on: Captains ending up as Section Officers in Islamabad and Lieutenants as Office Superintendents in the Provinces.

JCOs and ORs can take the place of clerks and other office staff such as office peons, DRs, drivers, chowkidars, malis and so on. Of course, it goes without saying that organisations such as the National Highway Authority which are mainly officered by the Army these days, also sack all their civilian employees and take on officers and men of the Engineers instead; the PTCL whose privatisation is on one day and off another, should likewise get rid of all the “bloody civilians” and employ officers and men of the Corps of Signals. Just use your imagination, reader, the Army has an answer for every possible contingency and a replacement for every job, so don’t you think too highly of yourself if you are only a “bloody civilian”!

So there, you have it: Unity of Command at all levels. And no possible danger of somebody, anybody, not obeying orders which is the main reason the Big General has chosen to hold on to his uniform. Incidentally, the Navy and Air force can fill in those positions not already filled by the Army in our ports and airports: janitors, cleaners, drivers, baggage handlers, and so on.

On to other matters now, and may I say to those who are incensed at the American government’s ingression into Pakistan in the Bajaur area and its killing innocent civilians that there is little point in getting themselves into a great big lather; that it is almost an everyday occurrence now, just two weeks ago American helicopters landing in Wana and taking away several people who may now well be enjoying what Dick ‘Undisclosed Location’ Cheney refers to as a “tropical resort”: the brutal and inhuman American prison in Guantanamo Bay, Cuba.

May I end by saying that one couldn’t believe one’s ears when the Big General did not even mention, even in passing, the American government’s bombing of Bajaur in his most recent speech to the nation. Shiekh Rashid ‘Tulli’ is obviously right when he says that the speech the General read out had been written months ago: before the devastating earthquake of October 8th!

Bushism of the Week: “Laura and I are proud to call John and Michelle Engler our friends, I know you’re proud to call him governor. What a good man the Englers are” – President George W. Bush; Grand Rapids, Michigan; November 3, 2000.

END

P.S. This article was not published.

Unity of command

Unity of command!
By
Kamran Shafi

The Big General has once again asserted that he has chosen to stay in uniform not only because the parliament has, with a two-thirds majority no less, made it convenient for him to do so, but also because he wanted to maintain ‘unity of command’ between the political forces, the bureaucrats and the military’. “I provide that unity of command”, he said, adding, “Therefore, the requirement is to maintain this unity of command till 2007 elections.”

This is interesting, very interesting indeed. Whilst the Stanford University students he was speaking to will be mystified why Pakistan and Myanmar are the only countries in the world that need the military Chief to “maintain unity of command” our lot is what it is. This is a given. Let us now see if we cannot have “unity of command” across the board in the country, and rid ourselves of needless encumbrances such as, for one, the sheer cost and bother of holding elections which in turn give us nothing but unstable civilian governments, a fact that H.E. the American Ambassador recognizes too.

Many years ago – it HAS been that long that we have had “unity of command”, dear readers – seeing the way the Army was investing serving and retired officers into the civil government, I had suggested in this same space that for starters the so-called ministers of the so-called cabinet under the so-called ‘Prime Minister’ should be sacked immediately and the PSOs in General Headquarters be appointed in their stead, in addition to their own jobs, of course.

For example, the Surgeon General becoming the Minister of Health; the Adjutant General taking over the Ministry of Interior; the Judge Advocate General the Ministry of Law; the Military Secretary becoming the Minister for Establishment and the Director General SD taking over the FO (for protocol is the FO’s main occupation, foreign policy being made you-know-where).

Much water has flown through the Kalabagh Dam site since I made that proposal; the fur is flying faster in our country’s nether regions, both the Waziristans and large parts of Balochistan; the opposition, made up of the smaller nationalities is incensed against the Mother of all Provinces; and the Army’s grip on the country’s jugular is more secure (or so it is led to believe by its toadies). What better time than this to ensure “Unity of Command” forever and aye? And to end the argument once for all, consider the whole blessed country and all those who sail in her, subservient to the Manual of Pakistan Military Law (MPML) and be done with it.

This is what I propose specifically: Start at the beginning, sirs, and using the toadies add yet another amendment to the Constitution of the Fatherland (before throwing it into the dustbin altogether), to several effects: One, that all babies born henceforth will be considered recruits of the Pakistan Army, arms and services to be notified later just for classification purposes; two, children between the ages of 12 and 16 will consider themselves senior recruits; and, three, all those above the age of 16 years, both men and women, will be considered enlisted soldiers of the Pakistan Army. The commissioned ranks of course, will only come from graduates of that great school called the Pakistan Military Academy, which is so adept at producing national leaders. Read my lips: no bloody civilian will ever be elevated to commissioned rank.

Once the incumbent retires to his farm, the successor Chief of Army Staff will automatically become the President of the Islamic Republic, and the Corps Commanders will become Governors of the provinces, the numbers of which will be raised to the number of Corps so that none is left without a governorship. If the number of Corps increases, so will the number of provinces and vice versa.

Under the new dispensation, and because there are so many of them, Major Generals will become District Nazims and DIGs of Police; Brigadiers District Coordination Officers and SPs; Colonels Tehsil Nazims and ASPs; Lieutenant Colonels will take over as Executive District Officers of departments equivalent to their Army sisters, i.e., an Army Medical Corps Lt. Col. becoming the EDO, Health; an Army Education Corps Lt. Col. the EDO, Education and so on. Majors to take over as DSPs; Captains as SHOs; Lieutenants as SIs; JCOs as ASIs; NCOs as Havildars, and Sepoys as Police Sepoys. Of course, for the system to absorb as many Army personnel as possible, the number of Districts can be increased to the desired number.
There you have it, dear sirs, there you have it. In one fell swoop you will have got rid of the pesky “bloody civilians” and with them the blasted politicians. Next week we’ll sort out the civil secretariats.

In the end, yet another morsel for the Senate of Pakistan which is investigating why Pakistani missions abroad issue visas to people who turn out to be drug smugglers. In one of the too clever by half “clarifications and rejoinders” trying to explain the whys and the wherefores of the shyster and crook Santos Pascual Bikomo Nanguande being issued a visa by an unconcerned embassy, mark, to visit Pakistan as an official guest, we were informed that the heroin smuggler was anointed with ‘official guest’ status because he had come to the Embassy “accompanied by Alogo (no first name, no family name, just Alogo, please note Senators) who was known to have visited Pakistan earlier in an official capacity”!

Here is what I found last night after a three-minute search on the Internet: “Another regime insider, Joaquín María Alogo de Ondo Edu, was arrested as investigations into Bikomo’s activities widened in 1997, but was later released. In September 1998, however, his body turned up in Medellín, Colombia. Shortly before his death, Alogo wrote a confession, subsequently passed to Global Witness, in which he claimed that …. !”

So there you are, sirs, Nanguande’s referrer to the Pakistan Embassy, Madrid, and who himself had once enjoyed “official guest” status to the Citadel of Islam, was a character vile enough to not only be arrested and investigated for drug dealing, but who was later bumped off in the capital of drug smuggling, Medellin, Colombia. Fine company our FO keeps, what? More juicy bits in the coming weeks, Excellencies.

Bushism of the Week: “If the terriers and bariffs are torn down, this economy will grow” – President George W. Bush; Rochester, New York; January 7, 2000.

END

The Damadola Outrage

VIEW: The Damadola outrage —Kamran Shafi

While it was comic seeing the reaction of our brilliant FO falling over itself and “vehemently” denying the mere suggestion that our ambassador to the US was being recalled — a recognised diplomatic manoeuvre made by self-respecting countries against others that might have offended it — it is tragic to see Shaukat Aziz jet off to the United States so soon after the outrage

Many moons ago, 19 actually, I had written in this very space that the governments of the “tight” buddies Dubya and the Big General were as one when it came to stupidity and foolishness and doing exactly the wrong thing at exactly the wrong time. The title of the piece was ‘Allah millaee joree’, explained thus in English: A pair made in heaven: well suited to each other — one as bad as the other.

I had gone on: “While America the country is eons ahead of Pakistan the country according to every indicator; while the Americans reached the moon almost thirty-five years ago, and a very large majority of Pakistanis cannot read or write even today; while America is the most powerful and one of the richest countries in the world and Pakistan is a very poor example of a ‘developing country’, aren’t the government of the Land of the Pure, and its tight friend and ‘Coalition Partner’ the government of Amreeka Bahadur as incompetent, inept, cretinous... I could go on and on... as each other? I mean, look at them both go about their respective business and see what a complete mess they are making.”

I had pointed out “the complete and unmitigated shemozzle” in Iraq and Afghanistan and said the American intervention in both countries would “likely go down in military history as two of the most ineptly handled and in the latter case, useless military interventions ever” which were setting “the Middle East and huge swathes of the Muslim World alight with the fires of revenge”.

Fast forward to last week and witness the completely unwarranted US missile attack on the village of Damadola in Bajaur Agency, which while it absolutely failed to take out any “terrorists” did kill 18 innocent citizens of the Land of the Pure, among them, notably, more women and children than able-bodied men. Witness the asinine reaction of the government of the Islamic Republic: of its chief spokesman, Shiekh Rashid ‘Tulli’. More than 28 hours after the murderous US missile strikes, Master ‘Tulli’ says on live television, his exact words actually: “We don’t know if anyone is killed there or not... but still everything is investigation.” I ask you.

Leave alone everything else, is this not a most sorry commentary on the purported good governance that we are alleged to have these days: a federal minister charged with representing this hapless country before the world’s media not knowing what the devil was going on a full day and a bit after Pakistan’s airspace and sovereignty (!) had been violated by 45 kilometres and its peaceful citizens killed mercilessly and for no reason?

As an aside, may I ask my old friend and college-mate General Qazi Ashraf to please take note of his cabinet colleague’s English speaking skills? I mean Inzamam is at least a great batsman and a very able captain of our cricket team.Look, indeed, at the reaction of the United States government, or shall we say non-reaction. First, Senator John McCain, an otherwise decent man from all reports, but one who has to show his “presidential” qualities to position himself for the 2008 elections, is drafted in to say: “We regret it. We understand the anger that people feel, but the United States’ priorities are to get rid of Al Qaeda, and this was an effort to do so ... we apologise, but I can’t tell you that we wouldn’t do the same thing again.” Now, what sort of apology is that, especially to a “tight” friend? How about saying “We are sorry for the needless loss of innocent life; we will make every effort to avoid a recurrence in the future?” And what in the world did he mean when he said, “I can’t tell you we wouldn’t do the same again?” Do what again, Senator? Kill innocents again? I ask you.

This is not all. What does Miss Condoleezza Rice say about this outrage? “It’s obviously difficult at this time for the Pakistani government... but I think I would just say, to both the Pakistani government and the Pakistani people, we’re allies in the war on terror,” adding Al Qaeda and its Taliban allies “are not people who can be dealt with lightly... the biggest threat to Pakistan, of course, is what Al Qaeda has done in trying to radicalise the country, the extremist elements that really occupy parts of the country in important ways, (and) tried twice to assassinate President Musharraf... the frontier area is extremely difficult and it’s been lawless there for a long time. Pakistani forces are operating there, trying to take control. We’re trying to help.” Some help, Miss Rice, some help.

Miss Rice quite conveniently forgot to mention that the Taliban she decries today are the direct successors of the Mujahidin, the American Establishment’s beloved ‘Muj’ who were trained to become, in the words of none other than the daddy of the Republican Party, Ronald Reagan, “the soldiers of God”, in those same seminaries that are now considered nurseries of terrorism. She forgets that the Taliban were the beloved of the Pakistani Establishment right up to 9/11, that same Establishment that today rules the roost in the Citadel of Islam with the full and vociferous support of the government of the United States.But why does she forget? Who is she fooling?

The answer is she is not trying to fool anyone at all, for she does not need to, and she forgets because she wants to, period. The simple truth of the matter is that Amreeka Bahadur is the preponderant power in the world today and those that lead its government by the nose-ring do not give a goddamn for what anyone feels or does not feel, specially its lackeys. It is another matter that they are making their great country and its good people ever more enemies; it is yet another matter that the situation in Afghanistan (and Iraq) is going from bad to worse by just this kind of arrogant behaviour. Which is their problem, not ours.

Ours of course, is that in keeping with our penchant for not doing the right thing ever, Private Banker Shaukat Aziz, beside himself with great joy that he is finally to be admitted to the august presence of the Great Dubya, has gone off to the Mecca of Pakistani leaders, Washington DC despite the Americans wantonly bombing the country of which he is allegedly the “prime minister” and killing its citizens just days ago. I mean, I ask you.

While it was comic seeing the reaction of our brilliant FO falling over itself and “vehemently” denying the mere suggestion that our ambassador to the US was being recalled — a recognised diplomatic manoeuvre made by self-respecting countries against others that might have offended it — it is tragic to see Shaukat Aziz jet off to the United States so soon after the outrage. It is to be noted that the American government has not apologised, the White House deliberately stopping short of an apology.

Whilst Shaukat will get his photo-op with Dubya, we will have conveyed to the American Establishment that Pakistan is as ready as heretofore for even more slights; even more kicks in the teeth and up de’ bum, at the American’s pleasure.

Let me end with another quote from my article referred to above, written 19 months ago: “in both countries non-elected people are calling the shots. In America, the neo-cons; in ours the various ‘agencies’. The nature of both beasts is similar: they are motivated only by self-interest; they arrogate to themselves the right to define and ‘protect’ the ideological frontiers of the two countries; neither have any great victories to their credit; and because they are answerable to no one, neither will learn from their mistakes, to hell with the country.”

Bushism of the Week: “I do remain confident in Linda. She’ll make a fine labour secretary. From what I’ve read in the press accounts, she’s perfectly qualified” — President George W Bush; Austin, Texas; January 8, 2001.

PS: As to the Big General calling the noted columnist Ayaz Amir “unbalanced”, I have to say it made me very sad indeed to see the Chief of Army Staff of the world’s fifth largest army stoop so low.

Traitor for a day

Traitor for a day

Kamran Shafi


The Big General has once again, in keeping with past practice of the Establishment of the Land of the Pure to brand its detractors 'traitors', said that all those against Kalabagh Dam are, indeed, traitors. Well, whilst I firmly believe in Samuel Johnson's maxim "Patriotism is the last refuge of a scoundrel", I reject as firmly the Big General's assertion and assert that I am no less patriotic than himself. Let me, however, if the Big General insists that I am, be a traitor for a day and say that from what I know about the dam, I too am against its construction.

The reasons I question the dam are not only rooted in the massive amount of evidence that tells us big water reservoirs are to be avoided like the plague, and in the seemingly unbridgeable distrust that exists between the smaller provinces and the Punjab today, but in plain common sense; a little practical knowledge about the way in which water flows even in small irrigation channels, and what happens once you block its exit point; and because I know something of the area which is bound to be affected by the backwaters of the dam.

Once fertile land in the tehsils of Nowshera and Charsadda and Mardan is, even at this time, and without the benefit of Kalabagh Dam, waterlogged. Drive along the Rashakai-Charsadda Road, even the Mardan-Charsadda Road, and you will see what I mean -- you could well be in the waterlogged and saline parts of the badly affected Sheikhupura district of the Punjab. Somebody, anybody, please explain to me why, when the dam is built and the water level at Kalabagh rises by hundreds of feet, these areas in the Frontier will not be waterlogged further? Am I talking rocket science here?

Unless, that is, canals are taken out from the dam! This is where the rub lies. Canals simply HAVE to be taken out from Kalabagh to give some little safety to the Frontier. Sindh, even at this time complains that it does not get its due share of Indus water: how will it get more when water from the Indus is diverted to irrigate parts of the Punjab? What will happen to the mangrove forests in the Indus delta which are fast disappearing for lack of fresh water flowing through to keep the sea from forcing its way in? What about the salinisation of Sindh's lower reaches along the Indus for the same reason? Somebody, anybody, please tell me.

A little about the political ramifications of the dam controversy as enunciated by the Big General himself just the other day. It seems to me that he has chosen to fling all caution to the wind, perhaps emboldened by the ringing endorsement of military rule (and of himself particularly) by His Excellency Ryan C Crocker, the American ambassador, and the visits of senior US administration officials to Islamabad the Beautiful and the strong pats on the back he received from them.

Be which as it may, he must understand that his authority stems from the fact that he is the Chief of Army Staff of the Pakistan Army, and not merely because Amreeka Bahadur is at his back; and because there is no strong political opposition to him at this particular time. Which situation can change at any time as past military dictators have seen to their great cost. It is, therefore, highly arrogant (or shall we call it by the Punjabi term 'vada boll', or 'loud talk' in English), and not very wise, to dismiss so cavalierly the opposition to the dam by three of the country's four federating units.

It is even worse to suggest, as the Big General did some days ago, that the Punjab would not allow work on Kalabagh Dam to be stopped -- once started, of course -- by toppling the government that dared do so. It is palpably wrong too, and tantamount to sowing the seeds of overt and violent inter-provincial strife, to suggest that no government could ever come to power without the Punjab being onside.

Wrong, Sir Ji, so wrong! Let me paint a little scenario: What if, because they are ALL being pushed to the wall so hard, the ANP, the People's Party, the Baloch nationalists including the PKMAP, and the smaller Sindhi and Baloch political parties come together on one platform, and given the PPP's considerable support in the Punjab, win enough seats in the National Assembly to form a government? Will the Punjab then try and destabilise and topple that government? With help from whom? And which Punjab will that government represent? The one that starts and ends at the borders of Gujrat Sharif? And if that Punjab succeeds, will it not sound the death knell of what remains of Pakistan?

Also, and I have sounded this caution before, it is naive and mindlessly arrogant as well to so off-handedly dismiss the larger political parties and their leaders. Whether anyone likes it or not they have not yet been declared guilty at the bar of public opinion as evidenced by the last national elections, greatly rigged as they were. And are not about to be any time soon, for the reason that the military government has made compacts with other politicians alleged to be corrupt. Also the 'governance' being provided leaves much to be desired, as evidenced in its turn by every indicator, instances of crime against the weak leading everything else.

Meanwhile, back at the (American government's) ranch, more and evermore evidence of the cold-heartedness of the American neocons is emerging. Let me quote from an article in The Guardian of a few days ago by Dr Richard Drayton, senior lecturer in history at Cambridge University:

Quote: Shock and Awe: Achieving Rapid Dominance -- a key strategic document published in 1996 - aimed to understand how to destroy the "will to resist before, during and after battle". For Harlan Ullman of the National Defence University, its main author, the perfect example was the atom bomb at Hiroshima. But with or without such a weapon, one could create an illusion of unending strength and ruthlessness. Or one could deprive an enemy of the ability to communicate, observe and interact -- a macro version of the sensory deprivation used on individuals -- so as to create a "feeling of impotence". And one must always inflict brutal reprisals against those who resist. An alternative was the "decay and default" model, whereby a nation's will to resist collapsed through the "imposition of social breakdown".

All of this came to be applied in Iraq in 2003, and not merely in the March bombardment called "shock and awe". It has been usual to explain the chaos and looting in Baghdad, the destruction of infrastructure, ministries, museums and the national library and archives, as caused by a failure of [Defence Secretary Donald] Rumsfeld's planning. But the evidence is this was at least in part a mask for the destruction of the collective memory and modern state of a key Arab nation, and the manufacture of disorder to create a hunger for the occupier's supervision. As the Suddeutsche Zeitung reported in May 2003, US troops broke the locks of museums, ministries and universities and told looters: "Go in Ali Baba, it's all yours!" Unquote.

There you have it, folks, but none of this is news to you or me. Just speaking about the criminal looting of Iraq's heritage three days after US troops entered Baghdad, Rumsfeld's arrogant remark "Stuff happens!" more than showed us the contempt with which the neocons looked upon that country's ancient history. Add to this the wilful, and quite complete, destruction of Iraq's infrastructure for the purposes of the "imposition of social breakdown" and for inculcating a "feeling of impotence" among Iraqis and you have the major reasons for the violent insurgency that plagues that country. People who have lost their all, and have nothing more to lose will do desperate things; people who are made to feel that they are impotent will try and prove they are not.

I end by wishing my readers a Happy New Year; and our country peace, calm and unity.

Bushism of the Week: "I think we are welcomed. But it was not a peaceful welcome" - President George W Bush on the reception of American forces in Iraq; Philadelphia, December 12, 2005.

The Monster riseth

VIEW: The monster riseth —Kamran Shafi

Some weeks ago I had requested the builders of the Salt Range cement plants, great big nabobs all of them to be sure, to please stop construction on their factories and gift the area they are about to violate to the people. Might one ask the powers to do likewise to the Shakarparian Monster, which should be demolished sooner rather than later, and the area converted into a wildlife park, which is what it always was

Driving along the rutted and overcrowded and badly policed and unsafe, but extremely grandly named ‘Kashmir Highway’ into Islamabad the Beautiful the other day, I finally saw it! There it was, the Shakarparian Monster, slowly raising its ugly head above the woods of the once lovely hill on and around which I used to walk years ago, taking an evening break from work at the PID.

It is a confused behemoth of a concrete structure: part fascist, part Mughal, part Gothic; “a monument to the Pakistani who has given up his today (or was it yesterday?) for a better tomorrow” or some such unintelligible tripe. God, how ugly it is! It will dominate the south/east part of Islamabad the Beautiful and will be visible from miles around whenever the noxious smog clears up enough to see more than half a kilometre, a fitting addition to Islamabad the Beautiful which has more than its fair share of ugly buildings.

I mean we do have the ugliest building in the world, the Prime Minister’s Secretariat; the second ugliest, the MNA’s Hostel; and the third ugliest, the Convention Centre, there too. As we have the Blue Area, surely the ugliest commercial area in the world. So welcome, o’ ye monstrous monster, welcome; this is where you belong.

This is early afternoon, Wednesday, and I have just been to the funeral of Mohammad Anwar, ‘Anno’, who was the gardener and then the cattle-herd at my uncle Farrukh Hyat’s across the road. Anno, and his older brother Miskeen, who passed on some years ago, were objects of the affectionate and concerned curiosity of a young child as I was when I first knew them, for they had a congenital defect in their eyelids in that they didn’t open upwards making both the brothers tilt their heads way back to look at you. They were only slightly older than I, and I remember them as the most pleasant, kindest, gentlest, meekest people around.

As we stood there, praying for Anno’s soul, myriad thoughts went racing through my head. Here we were, burying someone who never in his life hurt anyone; who never ever broke the law; who, because he had no children of his own, looked after his nephews and nieces and anyone else who needed what help the poor man could give. Yet, whenever he needed help such as medical attention; getting an electric or gas connection; anything for that matter, there was none forthcoming from the state and its venal officialdom; leaving Anno looking to his employers and neighbours and friends for help. What “stake” did poor old Anno (and countless millions like him), I thought to myself, have in the state of Pakistan; what had the government of the Citadel of Islam ever done for Anno? Precious bloody little was the immediate answer.

I couldn’t help but wonder what the Shakarparian Monster could possibly mean for the Annos of this country? Whilst our Anno was lucky to have the kind employers he had who provided for his every need, what about the others who toiled night and day just to scratch out a living for themselves? Those who live at the mercy of the louts and the Yahoos of the Qabza groups; those who tremble nightly at the very real prospect of their homes being violated by thieves and robbers; those who do not venture to go out of their homes for fear of being waylaid by highwaymen? What possible help could the Shakarparian Monster be to a poor man who cannot afford to pay doctors’ fees and medicine and hospitalisation costs for his only child?

Does it put more boiled lentils on their plates? Does it give them one more roti? Better healthcare? Better law and order? Wah thankfully has plenty of clean drinking water from its springs, but does the ugly concrete eyesore give clean drinking water to the millions of other Annos across the country? No it does not. The monument is nothing but a testimonial to the oversized egos of our leaders, no more no less.

Some weeks ago I had requested the builders of the Salt Range cement plants, great big nabobs all of them to be sure, to please stop construction on their factories and gift the area they are about to violate to the people. Might one ask the powers to do likewise to the Shakarparian Monster, which should be demolished sooner rather than later, and the area converted into a wildlife park, which is what it always was?

Of course, neither will happen. Our industrialists are too rapacious; our ‘leaders’ more so, if that is possible. More than that, the government of the Islamic Republic is arrogant, and NEVER ever wrong. How can it resile from anything it has ordained, no matter how foolish or needless or wasteful?

Which reminds me: the CDA has completed the fountain at the roundabout on the corner of F-9 park and F-10/4. Whilst it has turned out as ugly as one imagined it would, much more can be done to it to make it uglier: I suggest sky-blue and pink bathroom tiles, interspersed all over it in zigzag fashion. And coloured lights that blink, all along its edges.

Let me now thank the good person who has had the missile at the F-9 park and E-8 crossing removed. This missile, if you will recall, was “inaugurated” by a big noise in our nuclear set-up and came fitted with a red light in its bottom that flashed whenever a high personage passed along the road.

Thank you, whoever you are, and while you are at it will you please also remove the model of the Chagai mountain that glowed white when our bums were detonated in its bosom; or when it “rumbled”, according to a gushing scribe? The model makes us look like idiotic children, showing off for no reason at all and needs to be removed immediately. If the government/CDA doesn’t do anything about it, could a kindly soul who has the good name of the country close to his heart just go and burn the damned thing down? Just like somebody did in Karachi? It is highly embarrassing trying to explain the thing to visitors.

Let me end by wishing my readers a Happy New Year; and our riven country, peace and calm and unity.

Kamran Shafi is a freelance columnist. His writings can be accessed at http://www.kamranshafi.blogspot.com